Friday

Sometimes it amazes me how unbelievably small the world really is. People you completely rule out of your life get tied back in, in inextricable ways and leave you wondering if destiny really does have a strange sense of humour.

In other news life's been doing what life's best at - inching along. Today I walk in and think what a mess this whole thing is. I impatiently think that I cannot wait to be at that point where I can actually influence things enough to turn them around instead of being just a part of the machinery. Today I walk in and think I will quit and have babies. Today I walk in and think that I will start working on what's been a dream for 4 years. Today I wallow in self-doubt and wonder if I could. Today I walk in and consider possibilities. Today I walk in and wonder if you will help. Today I walk in and mock my fickle commitment. Today I walk in and regret how I let that opportunity go by. Today I reminisce about the day we discussed if our social context bound us. Today I go over what I said - 'it is really all the same'. Today I sit back and ask myself if it really is?
Today I walk out having sent yet another weekly status report. Today I walk out still me.

Lousy Lego

Will you go first? If not,
how will I know that you want to.
Were it not for ego, dear
what will our love do?
Will I still say "Bye",
when I really mean "Please stay",
If I insist- "I am fine", will
you insist "..on my way"?
When I sit with Pamuk
and don't turn a page,
while you switch channels
with unspent rage.
Words like 'always' and
'never' and 'anymore';
Silence, weary- has
been here before.
When one and some, apiece
jostle for half of two-
Were it not for ego, hon
what will our love do?

A's Assorisms

10 reasons(or more) why your face sours my weekdays:

1) You have pierced your left ear and added a faux-diamond stud.

2) You wear a horrendous purple shirt to work every week.

3) You are so full of self-pity, I wonder if your vital organs are in your wallet.

4) You are 5'4", and you regularly work out. I appreciate your dedication to strive to be as broad as you are tall.

5) You go all "हम पंजाबी लोग जो हैं न, हम बहुत कूल रहते हैं" on me. Thanks dude. I knew I didn't need all the brains. My punjabi genes were all that I needed to make device drivers work.

6) You don't watch TV. You don't read. You don't follow current affairs. You don't understand jackshit about the Satyam fiasco. The only figures you understand are the number of glasses of soyamilk you drink everyday. You would probably have more but I doubt you can count beyond two.

7) You think you are God's gift to women and no woman can resist that babyface. Even a woman who is not only married but also your team lead.

8) You think your sycophancy will do you a lot of good.

9) You think I am super-intelligent which I am(compared to you anyways). But then you also think that I know everything which I don't. So when I ask a question it would help if you could recover from your shock in under 10 seconds and instead of giving me a goofy smile with the "आपको तो पता ही होगा, आपको तो हज़ार साल पहले की चीज़ें भी याद रहती हैं", could you just f***ing ANSWER me

10) Your mother has fussed over you so bloody much that you can't have the canteen food without telling us EXACTLY how delicious your mother makes the same thing(for breakfast, lunch AND evening tea). You can't go a week without complaining of catching a cold atleast once. You carry a medicine bag on you at all times, mention how at 24 you are ready to get married because you can't live with other boys(read men), how your unmarried elder brother is ok with your decision, and how having a wife who will pamper you will be the end of all your troubles.

11) You say things like 'मैं अपनी फॅमिली में सबसे छोटा हूँ. तो मुझे बच्चे बहुत पसंद हैं. तो मैं अपनी होने वाली बीवी को बोलूँगा की बस मुझे एक बच्चा देदे, फिर भग (sic) जा'.

12) You are (unwillingly) introduced to a lady manager who has just joined our group. And right after she says that she has been in the organization for nine years now, the only thing you can say by way of conversation is 'फिर तो आपकी शादी भी यहाँ पे ही हुई होगी'।

13) You come and ask me what does 'No luck' mean when I send a mail saying 'No luck with the setup'.

14) You laugh and tell me I am funny when I tell the OSC*-"Need to postpone the call by half an hour, people are late because it's raining cats and dogs here". You don't realize it is just a phrase. I don't clarify.

15) You come and tell me that I have been giving you signals that I am interested in you. I am more amused than angry so I ask "And why would you say so?", you tell me 'जब मैं एक दिन लेट तक ऑफिस में रुका था तो आपने बोला की रुकने की ज़रूरत नही है, अभी घर जाओ'.

16) Because you are so pathetic, you CRIED when I screamed at you for 15.

See, the year's already turning out ग्रेट. I am ranting here and it's unbelievably cathartic.

*OSC - On-Site Co-ordinator

Two Thousand Nine

Do you also feel that 2009 will be an year to remember? We will have stories to tell which will start "It was the summer of 2009.." or "On a bright winter morning in 2009..". That kind of year? After a long time I am feeling strangely excited. A quiet assurance that all will be well, the elusive 'purpose' will be discovered, family will be happy and brighter times will be seen. More reading will be done. Passions will be heightened. Colours will be splashed, on canvas and on glass. Friends will be made and conversations will be had. There will be more smiles and lesser doubts. More optimism and lesser listlessness. The air will be fresher, the winter nippier. New places will be seen. Mouthfuls of mountain air will be chewed. The sea salts will stick to brown arms. Peace will be made with the long unstyled hair. Smells will change. More photos will be clicked. More sights beheld. Love will nudge out the emptiness. The dining table will smile. The couch will shrug off the propriety. The beds will chuckle and the bookshelf will burp.

I will be who I have always wanted to be. Now. Because the now changes. And then you can't be what you wanted to be then. Because the then will always be just that. Constant.

26.11.2008

I look out over the lake beside. I decide to nag him some about Renaissance not being Marriott or Taj. It might be a Marriott property, but it just didn't cut it. To peeve him a little, I frown and say 'This looks four and a three quarters star at best, not five star'. He smiles some, to indulge the dehati in me. I am big on photographs. The paternal gene maybe, I love having lots of photographs- for all important occasions, for trips, for family times, for stayovers, for farewells, for good times, for bad times, for memory's sake, for the children to know what I was like, for me to reminisce when the children forget. So on that evening, like The Wife, forgetting the camera was just another cue to nag some more. 'You couldn't possibly love me enough if it does not occur to you to preserve memories from our anniversary'- I lament. And while he calmly nods, I just fret some more.

In minutes, there is a flurry of messages and calls. We had just about sampled the starters.

Dear God, when I said memorable, I didn't mean this.

And You, I know you don't visit here, but I Love You.

punh @ Pune

A recent trip to Pune, brought on a spate of memories from five years back. From the time when we were fresh engineering graduates and had stepped out of our houses for the very first time. From the time when the training programme was so much fun that it felt wrong to be paid for it. From the time when I lost my cynicism about making good friends and letting myself go. The time when we could be in office nine-to-nine and yet find the enthusisam to trudge off to E-square for catching the 10:10 show of 'Baghban'(yes, I know!) on a thursday night. From the time when we walked the steets late into the night, quietly, while he sang 'boss kaun tha malum hai kya?'. From the time when we made dal-chawal for eleven people and joked about it being a community kitchen. From the time when come what may, every birthday had to be brought in at the stroke of midnight. When hawaldars threatened us to disppear from bus-stops, when 4 + 4 + 3 meant autowallahs would charge 'half-extra'. When champak was the bible and my notes were xeroxed(or rather jheroxed) eleven times over.
When one realtionship refused to budge beyond "just good friends"while another refused to recognize "nothing more than just friends". When you would wonder five years hence, - What if I had? and What if I hadn't?

We, the People

There was this Tannenbaum title during Engineering for Computer Architecture I believe, where he had quipped something to the effect of the semi-conductor industry leaping so far ahead of software that we will never have enough information to fill all the space available. And I remember being fairly amused by the idea and thinking how wonderful that will be. When I go hopping across blogs, across continents, as great as I may feel to be a part of the information age where it is now possible to have a conversation with hundreds of people in the shortest possible time without really having to open your mouth, I am also saddened by the gulf we are leaving behind. There are debates, and more debates, and opinions voiced and battles fought, reasons demanded and clarifications sought in every single corner of the blogosphere. There is much hullabaloo about how the Internet is the propeller for freedom of speech and how if you have something to say this is the place to say it. My question is simple - Does it make a difference? I just spent a whole afternoon going through posts on religious intolerance and communal divide. I was about to reply on this one particularly to say

"Well said, I agree we all need to think of ourselves as Indians first and in terms of our communities later. Religion is and should always be just a way of life- a structure which helps you get through the chaotic years of growing up when you are too young to understand vice but old enough to know that Mumma does not like it if you lie or steal or hurt a classmate. A structure which lets you sleep peacefully after a quick prayer to the powers above on the night before the exam. It is so much easier to mutter the one you know than sit down to think- oh I am an Indian first, so I have a choice to pray to 356 different gods in 25 different languages and let me see which combination I want to pick! Religion is a list of FAQs which tells you the how-to's of birth, death and marriage. Religion is the Quick Help in times of heartbreak, examination, calamity and loss. Religion is the Navigator on the crossroads when you really don't know where to go because you can't think clearly. Religion is merely a matter of convenience, and more so personal convenience. Where two religions meet, a third is born- an amalgamation of the best and fittest features of both. It is only when we place religion over humanity, when we think that prayer alone will deliver us from all sins, when we feel that because there are so many of us we are powerful, or that because there are so few of us we need to be careful, or that because they constitute a significant votebank, let's call them a minority, that we truly begin to lose perspective. We cannot undermine the power of religion and do away with it, but at the same time we cannot personify religion and use it as an alibi for executing our evil plans."

But, I did not comment. And the simple explanation is indeed that I am just saying what everyone else has been too. There really is no difference. We all belong to a relatively narrow socio-economic group, we are all nearly in the same age group, we have all been shaped by very nearly the same influences and we all think objectively. An anonymous commenter here and there or a hatemail once in a while is not representative of humanity. But sadly, the problem really does lie in such minorities. The minority of people who chose to be bigots, who let religion colour their vision, who let their beliefs infringe upon everyone else's. To the ones who are well-educated I really have nothing to say. The problem is that there are vast numbers who are not. And all this sermonizing and rich debate is hardly reaching the ears it is meant to. Agreed each one of us personally benefits by the spectrum of thoughts and opinions bandied back and forth over ethernet cables, but my conscience still asks - Does it really help? I know all the blah about each one of us doing our bit, but is there any guarantee that all this patience and assimilation is going to yield any results? We have NGO's working in the space of child education, women empowerment and rural finance. Do we have one which takes communal harmony to the grassroots? When a politician can inspire a mob and incite violence with nothing but communal rhetoric, do we the intelligentsia have a counter-plan which goes beyond a few bytes on a web-server? Or for that matter a few sound-bytes on the news channels? The media has evolved from a reporting platform to one which is now being used to rouse and form public opinion. It has lately proven effective(although it is debatable how much), to pit public opinion against individual stance and bring justice where due. We know that for every Jessica there are thousands of others who can't yet lay claim to justice. Still it is a start. But is the media as effective in delivering justice when there are no faces and no names, just I, the People against You, the People, ready to lay my head or slay yours if required? When it is no longer about individuals, and when a mob carries out the bidding of one? When actions are interpreted as personal attacks and are encouraged to be returned by fatal ones? Do we have an answer? The politicians might not be all nice and fair and just, but they have the power of speech. And in a country where a low percentage is educated, and a measly percentage has access to media where such debates flourish, I feel sorry for the vast amounts of passion and space wasted over such issues. I feel inadequate and hollow and cannot even muster the effort to comment on any such post. I don't feel the need to voice any such opinion of mine on my blog because I give you guys the benefit of doubt. I believe that we all believe in fairness. I believe in the fact that people like to think logically and objectively. I like to believe that even if someone disagrees with me over something, he won't come and kill me. I also like to believe that I am tolerant enough to hear somebody's divergent opinion and to not let that raise my heckles enough to stab him. I might hate you for what you have to say. You might completely detest me for my soppy poetry. But are we fanatic enough to cause lasting damage? Is this piece going to discourage the next intolerant bigot who chooses to target my husband on the local train because he wears an obvious symbol of our religion on his head? Will I have the courage to sit and debate about this if this issue were to move from the newsroom into my house?
I don't want to end on a pessimistic note here. So here's a link to an honest and inspiring post about really making a difference at the level where it is needed the most.